Warning : This post contains bodily functions. Viewer discretion is advised

Let's start with the good news shall we?  This morning I clambered on the scales and in 7 weeks I've lost 19.7kgs and since surgery 3 weeks ago, I've lost 10.7kgs.  Round of applause please, and thank you.  I am officially the weight I was when we left Australia to travel home for our wedding in April last year,  *insert chuffed as look*  These numbers have been such a huge goal for me and to get here so soon, it's pretty overwhelming.  This is the lightest I've weighed in oh, say, 13 years and I'm pretty fucking stoked with myself.  Any weight loss from here on in will blow my mind.  Bring on the next goal ...

I have been struggling with my food tho.  I've been on baby food consistency since Wednesday last week and only last nite I cooked something I liked and it didn't make me feel wrong afterwards.  Chicken, mushroom and broccoli with Bearnaise sauce YUM!!  I only had about 2 tablespoons worth and I felt full and satisfied.  Guess what I'm having for dinner tonight?

Ok so I know you've been waiting for the bodily function part, so here goes.  With so little food going in, pooing is a 3 or 4 day event.  And when it does happen I get major stomach cramps and I spew.  I have no idea why but it's quite distressing because it fucking hurts.  Not the spew part but the gut pain part.  You know when you get the shits and your stomach goes in knots and you spend 30 minutes on the toilet just waiting for the next attack?  Well that's what it's like.  I dread having to do a poo!!  Something for my surgeon to answer at my follow up appt on Wednesday.  He'd better have an answer and not, 'this phase will pass, it'll get better'.

Yeah so Wednesday is my follow up appt with my surgeon.  I'm looking forward to getting on his scales and saying, 'Good job Doc, you're worth every cent, now sort my shit out.  Literally'.

Squeezes
MrsK x

On the right track

So I had my Dietitian appt on Tuesday and she was so happy with me *high five MrsK*  She said that I couldn't have done better.  I've lost almost 3kgs a week since I saw her last which according to her was 'fantastic'.  I have lost 1.8kgs of muscle tho and so I need to keep an eye on that.  I've been doing small walks most days which has to help, I'll extend those when I get my food sorted out.

Speaking of food, I had baked beans, a small piece of watermelon and some chicken noodle soup yesterday and I felt sick!  It was my own fault because I'm suppose to be on pureed food and of course these things weren't, I just chewed them well.  Dickhead.  Today I've gone back to having mainly liquid due to not wanting that horrendous feeling I had yesterday, but for dinner tonight I did have some of the kidlets stewed pear, kiwifruit, oats and prune mixture with some custard.  It tasted great, went down well, hasn't made me feel bloated or sick and at least it'll clean me out!!

I'm still finding the every day things a bit tricky, like making a full cup of coffee.  Unless I'm prepared to heat it up 4 times, then I've got to get use to making half a cup.  Last week we had a really hot 33 degree day and I couldn't take big gulps of water.  Let's just say my sipping did nothing for my thirst and I've also decided to stay off the bloody scales and only weigh myself once a week.

DH has gone back to work and so it's just me and the kidlets.  I'm tired already.

Squeezes
MrsK :)

The shower's a good place to cry

*sigh* what a shit week.  Seriously, they say things happen in three's well I'm up to oh, about 6.  I'm not going to bore you with all the gory details but let's just say the title to this post pretty much says it all.

The family have had a couple of lots of bad news which resulted in many many tears, lots of phone calls and constant thinking and worrying.  DS was rushed to Emergency at 2.45am with a high temp and convulsing, he is now covered in a very nasty looking rash and to top it all off I put ON FUCKING WEIGHT!!  Ok, it was only 100 grams, but seriously I have NO STOMACH and I'm drinking soup!!!  I have an unhealthy relationship with my scales and I know I shouldn't, but up until 2 days ago I was loving them.  Yesterday I jumped on as usual, and couldn't really believe what I saw.  I mean 100 grams is a wet fart for me and so to see the numbers go UP I was shattered.  Only for a bit tho.  I kinda gathered I'd make up for it today and so wasn't too disheartened.  BUT when I got on today they read the exact same weight *sigh, sad face* After loosing an average 500grams A DAY for the past 8 days, I got back in the shower and had a bit of a cry.

I soon got over myself, I had to,  Tomorrow will be another day and sooner or later the numbers will start to go down again.  I really need to just get on those scales once a week, but in the beginning it was just too exciting watching the numbers drop so much.  I'm down 17kgs now so I should be happy about that.

I have my appt with my Dietitian tomorrow and so I'll be happy to get a list of foods I can start experimenting with.  Up until now, I've been to scared to have anything other than liquid for the fear of chucking, I'm not the most graceful of spewers so I've been trying to avoid it.  I'm still having food envy and I'm still thinking about missing out.  I miss red meat, pizza and cheese scones with butter, in fact I'd murder a piece of toast right now.  That's all, just a piece of toast.  I know, I know things are going to get better and the pay off will be the weight loss, well it's what I signed up for isn't it?  I have had sparing thoughts of, 'what have I done?' and then it scares me to think, fuck, I can't go back.  Ever.  It's all just so huge, the change in everything, it's sent me back to the shower for many more cries.  I'm usually alot tougher than this.

There were a couple of highlights this week tho.  I took the dressings off my wounds and they are healing nicely, however there is one that has a stitch slightly poking out.  My 2yr old DD decided that I needed a 'Dora' to 'make it better', so I now have a Dora sticking plaster stuck to my belly :)  I've also managed to get out and do a few walks and I've spent loads of time at parks around the Peninsula.  DS just wants to eat my phone ...

Squeezes
MrsK x

It's all a bit much

So this time last week I was not in a happy place.  Today I'm in a much better place, but it's been tough.  I've had many food envy occasions.   Many times, I've just wanted a bite of that ham sandwich, or that chicken pasta, or that homemade hamburger but I can't, literally.  I'd vomit.  I'm on a liquid diet for the first 2 weeks and then a baby food consistency based regime for about the next 3 after that.  I'm told I need to SIP between 80-150ml of 'nutritional fluids, every hour.  Up & Go's, V8 juice, Sustagen, watered down yoghurt, tea, coffee, hot chocolate, homemade chicken broth, fruit yoghurt smoothies and I'll tell you it's fucking hard.  You get so full after just a few mouthfuls.  The idea is not to get dehydrated, so I have to try and have water in between!!  If I'm going to be totally honest with you, I'm struggling a bit.  I miss food, I miss the action of chewing, I miss the taste of a piece of avocado on toast.  I'll tell you something for free, I can't wait for some baked beans next week!  There's even been a couple of times this week where I've just wanted to go back to my old youthful ways and ...

Get ready to go out by having a couple of vodka cruisers, apply way to much eye makeup and have to remember during the night I actually have makeup on, drink way to many Sav Blancs, bourbons, and then whatever nasty shot that's going round at the end of the night.  Next of course, I queue up at the chippie for a chicken souvalaki, with extra yoghurt garlic sauce, before piling in a taxi with half of it slopped down my front.  Attractive.  Roll in the front door, trying to be stealth quiet but of course making enough noise to wake the entire state of Victoria.  Stand swaying with the fridge door open and finally deciding on a massive swig straight from the milk carton.  By-pass the bathroom, no wait, one last wee while I strip, totally forget to take the make-up off, or what's left of it and fall into bed.  Nude, cause that's how I roll.  DH is already snoring and I join him in approximately 14 seconds.  I wake up to my head feeling like it's caved in and a camel's shat in my mouth.  I dress in whatever clothes are lying on the floor by my bed and crawl out to the couch.  I lay there slowly dying, flicking thru shit on tv but then think, Hmmm, Big Mac or Zinger burger ......

Man oh man how my life has changed.  Seriously tho, I have thought I've wanted to do that at least once this week, but when I do what I did this morning, I think hell NO!!

I was up with the family at 6.45am, a sleep in mind you, and we were bottled, dressed, coffeed and down the beach.  The sky was blue, the sand was cold beneath my toes and I actually wanted to be there.  I didn't puff, grumble, want to turn around, NOTHING.  It made me emotional that this is what I had been missing.  Normally DH would let me sleep in and he would take the kidlets himself, but not anymore.  I loved every minute of it.

I've now lost 14.7kgs (32llbs) in 5 weeks, including the pre-op diet.  I'm so very proud of myself and now realise that the old Anna would've had both the Big Mac AND the Zinger, and then probably had pizza delivered for tea.  The new Anna prefers to walk on the beach with her precious family

Squeezes MrsK
x

I'm baaaaaaack!

Man what a ride.  Can't say I've enjoyed it so far, in fact it's been bloody yuk.  I have discovered tho that I hate morphine and won't ever have another ml of that vile stuff again.

So DH and I said see ya to the kids early Tuesday morning and headed up to the Epworth.  We had to be there by 10, don't ask me why, considering surgeries didn't start till 1.30?  So we did the normal hang around thing and was finally sent to my room at 12.  Farted around some more and was told I was second on the list, so wasn't going downstairs till about 3.  By 2.30 I had had no nerves.  No butterflies, nothing I was so surprised.  But when I was told to get into my gown, open at the back, BANG my heart started and didn't stop.  I didn't cry which was so not like me, just really jittery.  I was on my way by 3, kissing DH, I think he had a tear in his eye.

I spent the next hr! downstairs under a blanket that pumped hot air thru it.  I actually had a sleep.  Met my anesthetist at 4.15 and in I went.  Still nervous, still doing some heavy breathing.  I remember moving from my bed to the op table.  It was hard, flat and the room was cold.  There were little green nurses running around with masks getting things ready, big lights and music, like classical music.  I had a port put into the crease of the left arm and was given an oxygen mask to take some deep breaths from.  'Just a couple more, that's great Anna, you'll be having a nice long sleep in ......'

I woke up in horrendous pain.  Fuck me, horrendous.  I remember crying, moaning, pulling my knees up, I vomited spit, had a massive headache and my tummy woah fuck, sore, sore, sore.  All I kept hearing the Recovery nurse say was 'Anna, there's no need to cry, come on now, you're ok'.  Um no, I wasn't ok you bitch I'm in PAIN!!!  She finally gave me my morphine button and I pushed it and pushed it.  Had to wait for it to kick in, but jesus until it did, not cool.  I was in recovery for almost 3 hrs because of the reaction I'd had to the anesthetic.  I dry vomited several times and felt like the world was on spin dry.  I slept on and off but generally wasn't too good.  By the time I got back up to my room it was 8.30!  Poor DH was so worried about me, but I'm telling you I've never been so happy to see his face.  EVER! I was in and out of sleep and so he left at 9pm.  I didn't want him to go, but the hospital was kicking him out, he was already an hr over visiting time.  He'd told them he wasn't leaving until he had seen me and fair enough to!

My night was shithouse.  I had blow up pressure socks on that pumped full of air every few minutes, right up to my thighs, a drip with saline, a blood pressure cuff on which went off every 45 mins and an oxygen prong up my nose.  I would push my morphine button and then 10 mins later have to have nausea meds in my drip because it just made me feel vile.  I slept on and off, mostly off.  I kept thinking I  could hear the kids and so was about to get up to them, I'd open my eyes and realise, nup I was just wasted.

It's a bad photo, but under the circumstances I didn't really think I was going to look like Miranda Kerr. It took till 3pm the next day for me to finally say, you know what get rid of the fucking morphine, it's making things worse.  So I was happily swapped to Panadol Osteo and Endone.  Well hello, my friends, come to Mumma :):) My pain pretty much went, and I was then just feeling discomfort, which I do still today.  I saw my surgeon and he said everything went great.  My liver was nice and small, um yeah cause I've hardly eaten anything in a month!! and he said to take things extremely easy and keep up with the pain relief.  Eye eye Captain :-)  I have 5 small keyhole cuts that will heal up no worries.  My 2 c/s scars are way bigger

So Wednesday came and went, I was supposed to be discharged on Thursday but I decided to stay another day just to get my head around the new drugs.  Lucky cause I actually didn't see my surgeon again.  By Friday I was ready to come home.  I missed my babies terribly and just wanted to see them.  I was handling the pain meds and had gone from clear fluids like broth, lime jelly and apple juice to vanilla sustagen and orange juice.  Hell I was moving on up real quick!!  I had actually slept ok on the Thursday nite, I was only woken up by my room mate.  Beautiful old June who wasn't doing very well after her stomach aneurysm operation.  Man was she ill.  I hope she is getting better, its her birthday on Monday.  I think I'm going to call her to see how she is.

I was up, showered, dressed, had dressings changed, paperwork signed and out the door by 9.45am.  Aahhhhhhhhhhh sunshine and fresh air.  I stood at the door to the hospital and looked up to the beautiful blue Melbourne sky, took a deep breath, closed my eyes and cried.  I cried because I was going home to see my babies and also that I had finally done it.  I was saying good bye to the old Anna and I that I was fucking scared to meet the new one.  I slept most of the way home and when we pulled into the driveway the radio stopped for a minutes silence.  No, not for me, it was 11am on the 11/11/11.  Truly a moment in time, I will never forget.

I arrived to OK being in bed and MP was at the park with Grandma so I just sat on the couch and waited.  When MP finally came in the sliding door, the look on her face was like, 'there's Mummy, Mummies home', she just stared at me, then gave me a huge smile, said 'Mummy' and then went to DH.  Yup, she ran to Daddy.  I had to wait 5 minutes for a cuddle!  And it was the best cuddle EVER!!  OK then woke up and he just went nuts.  Laughing, giggling, clapping, rubbing his head on my leg, cuddles, biting my nose, I do believe he was very happy to see Mummy :-)

So here I am, 4 days post op.  I'm still on pain meds, but not as frequent.  I'm having broth, V8 juice, Up & Go's, tea, coffee and of course water.  I woke up a little hungry this morning, first time since the afternoon of surgery!  I had an inch of coffee and that was it, I was full.  I've decided to only get on the scales weekly, so you'll just have to wait, like I am to see what the numbers are.  I did however loose 500grams in hospital :)

I must make special mention to my in-laws who looked after the kidlets for us, we wouldn't have been able to do without them.  And also to my special Husband.  He has supported me, wiped away my tears and held my hand thru it all.  He has kept me company, rubbed my back and beaten me in the Herald Sun Trivia.  He is my everything and I love him.  Heaps.

I made it kids.  Onwards and 'offwards' from now on eh?

Squeezes, oohhh gently, MrsK x

1 sleeeeep

Hi Team

Good god, we're down to one sleep.  Everything comes down to just this last sleep and guess what?  I'm actually excited!

We had a busy weekend and the family wedding we went to on Saturday was lovely.  I did however let myself down and had a wee bit of a cry over it.  I actually ate some food HEVEAN FORBID!  I had a 6 inch, wheat with turkey and veges, not that bad I don't think?  No cheese and no mayo.  And the wedding I indulged in 2 spritzers a champers, 4 x california rolls and 2 thai chicken sticks.  All in all I think I could've done alot worse and I'm now over my cry session, especially since I lost 2.2kgs this week!!  That's right kids 2.2kgs!!  I could've had another champers!!  I had a photo with DH, the last one of us together before surgery and I've attached it to this post.

So with my pre-surgery diet, I've cheated, yes but I've lost 9kgs in 4 weeks and I still have to weigh myself tomorrow.  One can hope for a few more grams, surely?  I'm extremely happy with what I've done and now looking back, the small cheats I did have really weren't worth all the tears.  I can tell you one thing, I'm bloody happy I won't EVER have to eat Optifast ever again!!

I have so much to do today.  The MIL and FIL are coming to look after the kids while I'm in hospital so I thought it best I give the loo a scrub.  And change the linen.  And vacuum.  And mop.  And get groceries.  I'll stop now.

So with that, I shall sign off.  Thank you all for your support and cheers, it means everything.  The life I have lived is about to change.  Forever.

Squeezes, MrsK :-)

Sunshine

Well first of all a huge MrsK high five to my new 'followers'.  I want to thank you for joining me, it's very much a honour to have you with me.  Although I'm not much liking the 'followers' title so I've decided to label you all something different.  From now on you shall me named 'MrsK's support Crew' :-)

Today is a ripper day in the land of Melbourne and we are heading to the Dandenongs for a family wedding.  I even shaved my legs!!  First time since May ... DD is having her first sleep over and has been wanting to go for a week now.  DS is coming with us.  We were having both of them looked after but I thought in the end, I'm not drinking so I would rather have him with me.  Not drinking ... :(

I will have a champers for the toasts and one other, a sav blanc with soda.  I don't want to fuck up all the good work I've done so far, and that's 8.9kgs in almost 4 weeks!!  (MrsK gives MrsK her own high five)  Food on the other hand, I shall have my trusty bars with me.  It's going to be REALLY hard not to have a bit here and a bit there, but surgery is in 3 sleeps and I'm not jeopardizing that for anything.  I actually asked Geoffrey if I could have one last blow out before Tuesday and he said 'no'.  He has on 2 occasions, had to close a patient up because he was unable to perform the procedure.  And then talking to them afterwards discovered that they hadn't stuck to the pre-op diet and had also had a massive splurge the day before surgery.

The idea of doing Optifast 2, 4 or 6 weeks prior to surgery is so that the liver shrinks.  He is then able to lift it easier and get to the stomach.  It all sounds a bit gory but imagine waiting years for a surgery like this only to wake up after an anesthetic and be told it couldn't be done because you didn't follow the guidelines.  That would be devastating.  So for the sake of a party pie and a couple of dimmy's I'm not going there.  I will savour my champers.  My one and only.

For some odd reason I have woken up today feeling just that wee bit excited.  Maybe because the sun in shining.

Squeezes :-)

DH is home :-)

And am I happy about that!!  DD has been testing me this week and just when I've got so much going on in my head.  Never mind the cavalry has arrived.  It really feels like things are here now with him home.  It's like I was waiting for him to get here so we could get excited.  He even said to me, 'It feels like big changes are coming now I'm home'.  And I couldn't agree more.

I've made my shopping list and so are heading to the supermarket to get my 'ingredients'.  I've never made a broth before so had to look up the recipe on the net.  Thank god for the net eh?

There's not alot more to report really, just that we're down to 4 sleeps and I'm still scared.

Tears

I'm very emotional today, probably because the 8th is getting so close.  I've been thinking about after surgery alot more and am I prepared enough?  I went and visited my courageous SIL yesterday and she showed me her wounds.  Not as bad as I thought but still it's quite alot to get my head around.   My BIL made up a chicken broth for her, so I plan on doing that, just so I'm not drinking sustagen all the time.  DH and I are having a cooking day on Friday so I've got 'food' in the freezer I can eat.  I know what I'm about to do may seen drastic for some, but for me and my family it's what I have to do.  Not only is it going to improve my health 10 fold, my children will have a Mother for many more years.  I look at them today and my heart breaks.  I couldn't imagine leaving them and not thru my own stupidity of over eating.

I've done all the research, joined the forums, completed the tests and the pre-op diet and so I feel like I'm prepared, then why am I so fucking scared???