Moments

I want to show you something.  I want to show you the 'best' photo of me, in my opinion, ever taken.  I think I look beautiful, I didn't feel all that fat, my hair and makeup look fabulous.  I'm with my best friends, half smashed about to take on the Notting Hill Festival in London, 1997.  This is where I want to get back to, I was around 90 kgs here and I didn't feel like anything was a chore.  

This blog entry is going to be more of a look back at the old me.  I want to show you some photos of me when I thought there was nothing wrong with my weight.  I always knew that I needed to loose some, but I didn't think I reeeally needed to do all that much about it.  When I was digging thru the archives, fuck I found myself shaking my head and at a couple of them I cried.  Seriously I dare you not to gasp, shake your head and breath, 'fuck she was big' when you see them.

I'll start with the cute baby ones, all together, 'oooohhh isn't she cute!'

Penny much??  And will need to talk to Mum about her outfit

I remember this one.  I remember when my Dad and our neighbour, Tom caught it, it was massive.  At this point in my life, I already knew I was 'a big girl'.  I was 10?  You can plainly see it in the photo.  All my friends were skinny but at 10 who gives a shit?  I was very active, I was a member of my local swimming club, I did athletics and netball, I even played tennis!!  At 10 I wasn't counting calories so I just did what I did, I was a kid.

I didn't have any boyfriends thru school and I quickly discovered if I acted the goat and got a laugh, people wouldn't necessarily call me names.  They would laugh with me not at me.  Well that's what I thought.  I even got into theatre.  I mean really who puts themselves out there as much as performing on stage in front of hundreds of people if you are worried about what you look like??  It was all a show, a reversal of my feelings.  If I acted on stage, then there would be no way anyone could see how much I hated the body I was in.  It was the perfect way to hide.

After school, a year away studying, can't remember what now Bish and Jack do you? and a few years working for the ANZ, I decided to travel.  By myself.  Not many people I know decided to do their big OE by themselves.  There was still no major boy influence in my life, there was one bloke but well nothing ever came of that.  I was still big, but I was still doing what I wanted.  The following photos are fun, distressing, loveable and sad.  I'll let you decide ...

1997 with Jack at the Farm.  Whalebone Lane North London.  I liked me here, such fantastic, fun times

Christmas 1998 at the Cook in Acton London.  Loving it!!

Christmas 1998 in Wembly with my gals, Jack, Bish and Tuss.  I was around 90kgs here and very happy

2002 Perth at Kath and Daryl's wedding.  From leaving London and heading back to Australia, it all went pear shaped.  I thought I looked nice here, looking at this pic, I didn't.  The Bride however, gorgus x

2002 with Ange and Gibbo.  I was probably drinking, again.  Atrocious.

2003, East Coast of NZ on holiday.  Yuk

2004 Balnarring Beach.  GASP!!  I cried when I saw this one, it's awful.  I remember that shirt being a size 24 and having to wear that white singlet underneath because I couldn't do up the buttons

2005 Bridesmaid at my cousin Michelle's wedding.  Uncomfortable.

SIL's wedding 2008.  I felt pretty here but I'm huge.

Our wedding 2010.  I'd lost a stack of weight and felt a million bucks.  I've since lost another 23kgs!

2011 at home in NZ for my best friend's wedding.  Me, Jackie, The beautiful Bride, Mrs Clarke, Louise and preggy Rach.  I've put on all the weight I lost for our wedding AND some.  
Beautiful familiar faces :)

August 2011, 3 months out from surgery and celebrating the purchase of our new block.  That vest now swims on me, I couldn't do it up then

This is the morning I started Optifast, 1 month pre-surgery.  148.6kgs.  Fuck, I look ugly

Looking at these photos I have so many mixed emotions.  The London shots make me smile because that was such a great time in my life and alot of them I didn't even think I looked that bad??  But Jesus who was I kidding?  I so needed surgery, it clearly was the only option for me.  But sitting here today, 5 months after surgery, I kind of feel like I'm just plodding along.  I have so many beautiful people tell me I look fabulous and on a daily basis.  It's wonderful, I just wish I felt it too.  I'm overwhelmed about being healthier, smaller and all round happier, but I'm just not bouncing off the walls about it.  I wish I could say 'Thankyou' with the biggest fuck off grin on my face every time someone said I look fantastic.  But I can't.  I think my head has to catch up to my body, I have to believe I look fantastic.  I haven't been this weight for so long, I'm finding it hard to believe.  At the start I had to get used to the crazy fact that I wasn't on a diet, that the weight I've lost is NEVER going back on.  I'm ok with that now, however now my head is at the point where I feel so much smaller, but technically I'm only just over half way!!  ONLY HALF WAY!!  I'm actually going to get smaller and smaller ..... spin out.


But the old Anna still lurks, who knows if she will ever leave?  I still love the taste of butter, I'm not that keen on the idea of exercise and I still love my Sav Blanc.  But as my body changes, my outlook on life is.  I got a haircut ...

... I've sold most of my fat clothes, and I've picked the ultimate goal for exercise.  I want to walk the Kokoda Trail once I reach my goal weight.  Might as well go for gold.  I've lost 42kgs so far and I'm only 6 away from cracking the 100.  The Husband is loving the new me.  He says I'm not as grumpy anymore, that I'm not snappy and a bitch to be around.  Fuck he makes me sound like I was a right dragon!!  I agree with him tho.  I was always tired, not interested in going out and hated doing anything around the house.  It's all changing slowly and it's all changing for good.  He's even said that when I reach my goal weight, he's taking me to New York shopping.  


I'm really looking forward to going home in a month.  I want to see my Mum and Dad, and spend some time with my girls in Raglan.  I've been thru so much in the past 4 years both mentally and physically and of late, my health has been suffering for it.  I just need some time for me, to just stop, sleep and get some of my happy back.  


So as I write this last line, from me to you

Squeezes

MrsK x