You know those days..

You know those days when you just don't want to function?  You don't want to adult, think, talk, you're so tired you just can't fathom putting one foot in from of the other?  There's no energy to even butter a piece of toast, which you won't eat anyway because for some stupid reason you've given up carbs.  Where the tears don't stop, your eyes go all red and puffy and you don't want to see anyone and the only reason you left the house was because you had to do school drop off and pick up.  That you think about your dead son and your dead Mother and your dead dog but you definitely know you just want to talk to your Mum, say sorry to your son and cuddle your dog.  That what you really want is a pikelet with butter, more than one but you don't because you'd feel so fucking guilty if you did. And then you DO eat 3 pikelets and the guilt lasts for an hour.  When the kids are just not listening to you and you yell louder and louder, till you start crying again and you have to go and sit on the toilet with your pants on which feels weird, just for a breather.  When you have so much to do that you do NOTHING and the kids can't find any socks or school pants because you haven't done any folding and you still feel like a dick because you ate pikelets?

Today was hard.

So I had a hot shower, two panadol and went to bed.

Moments

I want to show you something.  I want to show you the 'best' photo of me, in my opinion, ever taken.  I think I look beautiful, I didn't feel all that fat, my hair and makeup look fabulous.  I'm with my best friends, half smashed about to take on the Notting Hill Festival in London, 1997.  This is where I want to get back to, I was around 90 kgs here and I didn't feel like anything was a chore.  

This blog entry is going to be more of a look back at the old me.  I want to show you some photos of me when I thought there was nothing wrong with my weight.  I always knew that I needed to loose some, but I didn't think I reeeally needed to do all that much about it.  When I was digging thru the archives, fuck I found myself shaking my head and at a couple of them I cried.  Seriously I dare you not to gasp, shake your head and breath, 'fuck she was big' when you see them.

I'll start with the cute baby ones, all together, 'oooohhh isn't she cute!'

Penny much??  And will need to talk to Mum about her outfit

I remember this one.  I remember when my Dad and our neighbour, Tom caught it, it was massive.  At this point in my life, I already knew I was 'a big girl'.  I was 10?  You can plainly see it in the photo.  All my friends were skinny but at 10 who gives a shit?  I was very active, I was a member of my local swimming club, I did athletics and netball, I even played tennis!!  At 10 I wasn't counting calories so I just did what I did, I was a kid.

I didn't have any boyfriends thru school and I quickly discovered if I acted the goat and got a laugh, people wouldn't necessarily call me names.  They would laugh with me not at me.  Well that's what I thought.  I even got into theatre.  I mean really who puts themselves out there as much as performing on stage in front of hundreds of people if you are worried about what you look like??  It was all a show, a reversal of my feelings.  If I acted on stage, then there would be no way anyone could see how much I hated the body I was in.  It was the perfect way to hide.

After school, a year away studying, can't remember what now Bish and Jack do you? and a few years working for the ANZ, I decided to travel.  By myself.  Not many people I know decided to do their big OE by themselves.  There was still no major boy influence in my life, there was one bloke but well nothing ever came of that.  I was still big, but I was still doing what I wanted.  The following photos are fun, distressing, loveable and sad.  I'll let you decide ...

1997 with Jack at the Farm.  Whalebone Lane North London.  I liked me here, such fantastic, fun times

Christmas 1998 at the Cook in Acton London.  Loving it!!

Christmas 1998 in Wembly with my gals, Jack, Bish and Tuss.  I was around 90kgs here and very happy

2002 Perth at Kath and Daryl's wedding.  From leaving London and heading back to Australia, it all went pear shaped.  I thought I looked nice here, looking at this pic, I didn't.  The Bride however, gorgus x

2002 with Ange and Gibbo.  I was probably drinking, again.  Atrocious.

2003, East Coast of NZ on holiday.  Yuk

2004 Balnarring Beach.  GASP!!  I cried when I saw this one, it's awful.  I remember that shirt being a size 24 and having to wear that white singlet underneath because I couldn't do up the buttons

2005 Bridesmaid at my cousin Michelle's wedding.  Uncomfortable.

SIL's wedding 2008.  I felt pretty here but I'm huge.

Our wedding 2010.  I'd lost a stack of weight and felt a million bucks.  I've since lost another 23kgs!

2011 at home in NZ for my best friend's wedding.  Me, Jackie, The beautiful Bride, Mrs Clarke, Louise and preggy Rach.  I've put on all the weight I lost for our wedding AND some.  
Beautiful familiar faces :)

August 2011, 3 months out from surgery and celebrating the purchase of our new block.  That vest now swims on me, I couldn't do it up then

This is the morning I started Optifast, 1 month pre-surgery.  148.6kgs.  Fuck, I look ugly

Looking at these photos I have so many mixed emotions.  The London shots make me smile because that was such a great time in my life and alot of them I didn't even think I looked that bad??  But Jesus who was I kidding?  I so needed surgery, it clearly was the only option for me.  But sitting here today, 5 months after surgery, I kind of feel like I'm just plodding along.  I have so many beautiful people tell me I look fabulous and on a daily basis.  It's wonderful, I just wish I felt it too.  I'm overwhelmed about being healthier, smaller and all round happier, but I'm just not bouncing off the walls about it.  I wish I could say 'Thankyou' with the biggest fuck off grin on my face every time someone said I look fantastic.  But I can't.  I think my head has to catch up to my body, I have to believe I look fantastic.  I haven't been this weight for so long, I'm finding it hard to believe.  At the start I had to get used to the crazy fact that I wasn't on a diet, that the weight I've lost is NEVER going back on.  I'm ok with that now, however now my head is at the point where I feel so much smaller, but technically I'm only just over half way!!  ONLY HALF WAY!!  I'm actually going to get smaller and smaller ..... spin out.


But the old Anna still lurks, who knows if she will ever leave?  I still love the taste of butter, I'm not that keen on the idea of exercise and I still love my Sav Blanc.  But as my body changes, my outlook on life is.  I got a haircut ...

... I've sold most of my fat clothes, and I've picked the ultimate goal for exercise.  I want to walk the Kokoda Trail once I reach my goal weight.  Might as well go for gold.  I've lost 42kgs so far and I'm only 6 away from cracking the 100.  The Husband is loving the new me.  He says I'm not as grumpy anymore, that I'm not snappy and a bitch to be around.  Fuck he makes me sound like I was a right dragon!!  I agree with him tho.  I was always tired, not interested in going out and hated doing anything around the house.  It's all changing slowly and it's all changing for good.  He's even said that when I reach my goal weight, he's taking me to New York shopping.  


I'm really looking forward to going home in a month.  I want to see my Mum and Dad, and spend some time with my girls in Raglan.  I've been thru so much in the past 4 years both mentally and physically and of late, my health has been suffering for it.  I just need some time for me, to just stop, sleep and get some of my happy back.  


So as I write this last line, from me to you

Squeezes

MrsK x

30.2

I did this yesterday, it was wonderful.  I had 6 hrs to myself, kid free and so I decided to take 20 mins out of my down pat schedule and just stop.  As I stood with my feet in Port Phillip Bay, I cried and cried, buckets!  I'd just spent 4 hrs clothes shopping and it's safe to say I am now a size 20, up until surgery I was a 26 *shame*.  I've recently been asked if having surgery was the right decision for me and until yesterday I knew it was but I didn't know how much.  To not have to go to the back of the rack in the 'fat chick' section was very emotional.  Ok, I was still in the fat chick section but I didn't have to hide the hanger with the pink neon flashing number 26 on it!  I happily flung the green 20 around like I was Elle McPherson.  So 'yes' having gastric sleeve surgery WAS the best decision I've ever made.  Oh that and marrying DH and having the kidlets :)

I've often wondered if different genres do what I do?  As the fat chick, I always scanned where I was for other fat people.  On a bus, at the beach, about to board a plane, I'm always wondering if I'm the fattest person in the room?  Do blondes do the same?  People who have acne, wear glasses or is it just me?  The plane thing I do every time.  I do a quick body take and see if anyone else is going to be as uncomfortable as me.  I would always whisper to the air steward as I boarded 'I'll need an extension seatbelt please'.  As shameful as that was, I'd rather get in first than have him/her do it to me in front of everyone seated around me.  I must admit, flying with DD was a saviour.  I had to have one for her so I'd get away with asking for one.  As I walk about town now I still do the body scan only now I think 'I'm so glad I'm not as big as that anymore', and then I feel sadness for the person I'm looking at.  I just want to whisper 'gastric sleeve surgery, look it up' Of course I never do, I'd probably get thumped.

I've been getting a couple of emails from friends who have family members wanting or needing surgery. I really hope that I can help them understand that what I've done has changed my life forever and not only mine, but my husbands, my children and everyone around me.   I have so much more energy and half the time I don't even know what I'm doing, it's DH who points it out.  I run around with the kidlets more, I hang the washing on the line instead of using the dryer, I actually want to go out with the family instead of making some lame excuse to stay home, like I'M TIRED!  I like eating salad, fish, oats, berries and veges because I know I've only got such a limited amount of space, why would I fill it up with crap?  I'm not saying I've never eaten anything bad since having surgery, like a magnum!!! but I can have a mini one and I have one once a week instead of a big one EVERY NIGHT!!  A girl's still got to have some pleasures in life, I'll just take mine in mini form please :)

I will never order a 'large/x-large' again.  I struggle to drink a standard coffee these days and I'll never be able to eat anymore than an entree sized meal again.  In the beginning that scared the shit out of me, cause I was a woman who loved her food.  The more pasta in the bowl the better, now?  I can't even eat pasta!!  Well not yet, it gets stuck dam it, so I just avoid it.  My typical food day goes something like this -

Breakfast

Coffee

1 x weetbix, milk (usually leave a spoonful) or

Piece of toast with butter and tomato

Lunch

Cruskit with brie, or salami or hommus and tomato (I love tomatoes)

I usually get a bit peckish around 4 so I'll have a couple of spoonfuls of yoghurt or a couple of crackers with cheese

Dinner

Salad (half a tomato!, 2 slices of cucumber and some feta) and french dressing hmmmmmm) with ham or a piece of fish, or a boiled potato with a dollop of sour cream

Dessert (and not every night)

Mixed berries and custard

It's not very exciting but it's yummy and I'm satisfied with what I've eaten.  I have had to modify things like I was egg and bread crumbing my fish but found it would just get stuck, so now I just lightly pan fry it with lemon juice.  I haven't been out to a restaurant yet, but I will.  God knows what I would order.  Times have changed since I would scan the dessert menu first to see if I would have a main with an entree or a dessert.

Lots of things have changed really.  I'm going to need to get my engagement and wedding rings re-sized, in fact I'm going to have to take them off soon, they're so loose.  My hair is coming out in really gross unhealthy handfuls, only when I wash it tho.  And yes I'm taking my vitamins.  DH and I were lying in bed one morning and he leaned over me to get something off the bedside table,  'Ow, ow ow' I said, 'What's that big lump?' as I poked at my side.  'Darling that's your ribs'  and he won't like me saying this either but our sex life has gone from woah! to OHMYFUCKINGGODFATHERS!!  Who knew you could do that at 30kgs lighter!

I've now lost 30.2kgs in 3 and a half months.  I'm under 120kgs and looking forward to loosing another 30.  Next goal is to crack the hundy.

There is really only one thing that I still can't quite get my head around.  It makes me teary every time I talk about it.  The fact that I am never going to put all of this weight back on, spins me out.  I'm not just on a diet and doing really well, it's NEVER going back on again.  I will never be 148.6kgs again.  It's freaky, it's exciting and it makes days like yesterday seem even nicer.

Squeezes
MrsK xxx

Greetings 2012

It feels like it's been ages and well yes it has, sorry.

Truth be told, since I was here last, I haven't really had any shit moments which has been good for my heart and my soul.  Mum and Dad were here for Christmas which was beyond awesome and when I dropped them off at the airport I did cry, but that's normal.  Apart from those tears, life in the NY is going pretty good.  I have sat back a couple of times and wondered where 2011 went, because I did sooo much in those 12 short months, it makes my mind boggle as to what is in stall for 2012.  I'm ready tho and prepared which is another tick in the box.

My Christmas was great, I even ate Christmas lunch!  Wanna see?

I ate most of this and was as stuffed as the turkey was!  I even had a meringue with cream and strawberries afterwards.  Much, much, afterwards mind.  We opened presents, played outside with the kids, ate, listened to Christmas carols and generally had the family Christmas we wanted.  I felt really happy with being able to eat something and was stoked I wasn't still back in the liquid faze.  Those poor people out there who had their surgery so close to the event of Christmas lunch.  Can't say a liquid turkey dinner would've been very appetising  :(  Could you even zap a meringue so you could drink it?  *GAG*

My food intake is almost back to normal but of course the amount is still Ashley Olsen sized.  I haven't been game to try steak yet, I was told red meat was pretty much off the menu for the 1st 6 months anyway.  I had a couple of bites of my lasagna and quickly realised that mince is on the 'not yet list' as well.  So I'm eating lots of fish and some chicken, as long as it has lube so it doesn't get stuck in the gizzard.  Bread/toast with the crusts cut off, cruskits with everything and thank god I still like yoghurt!  I have had 2 spew moments tho, so def on the 'never going there again' list are pavalova and fish from the chip shop!  I only had a couple of bites of each, and on different days, but it all came back up.  Should've seen it coming tho, I haven't eaten 'shit' food in so long, it obviously did not agree with me.  That'll learn me and it has.

My weight loss has been steady, I'm now down a total of 26.6kgs and couldn't be more stoked.  My lowest weekly loss has been 700 grams, which I'm still happy with but then the following week I'll have a 1.8-2.2kgs loss.  I have no idea why the difference is so big from week to week but fuck I'm taking it!  I will have to address my clothing situation and very soon.  I'm still wearing all my old clothes and some stuff is just getting beyond ridiculous.  My size 26 linen pants, thankfully with a drawstring waist, are only just hanging in there.  I can't really pull them any tighter around my middle, or I'll detach my top half from my bottom.   One totally wicked bonus is that I have had a wardrobe of funky going out clothing just hanging there.  Enter, 'Plus size buy, swap and sell clothing group' on fb and BAM!!  I've sold half of it and made $250!!  I should be putting that money aside to spend on myself but no I had to go and buy more Oobi!!  Don't ask, it's a long story.  A whole other blog.

I'm learning to 'like' my new body.  I'm starting to get the droop on already, like the bingo wings are here.  Great Scott!!  YUK!!  Can't say I like them tho.  I like the fact, the other day I was told I look 26 hahaha!!  You should've seen the woman's face when I told her I was 37!  I have shoulder blades peeking thru which I actually saw in the car window yesterday.  I looked left and then right, yup there they were.  Lucky no one busted me checking myself out in the car window!  Dh even commented the other morning that I had a huge 'hole' from my hip inwards, especially when I was lying down and on my side.  Um Honey, that's because my stomach used to be there ....

We went out on Tuesday and visited some very dear friends of ours.  It was so fantastic to be with my girls and I loved how everyone was so interested in what I was going thru.  It was my first outing since surgery that included eating and I loved every minute of it.  There was a mean as kiwi BBQ on for good and old and I had my piece of fish a piece of garlic bread and some 'Masterchef Shaun Chick Pea Salad'.  It was healthy, filling and made with love.  I even tried my first Sav Blanc in almost 3 months and well lets just say that that is on the 'not yet' list as well.  Gutted.  I could only manage one sip because it burnt like fuck, weird??  There was this mega hot feeling in my gut and it was not cool.  So I gave the rest of my inch sized glass to my GF and I watched with envy as she swigged away.  I hope eventually I'll be able to enjoy a glass of the fine white nectar cause I do like a drop.  Or 10 back in the day ...

Squeezes
MrsK x

It's all about Santa

Oh how the big man in his red suit has bought me back from the brink.  It's Christmas time, my favourite time of year and man did it arrive at the right time.  I've been feeling pretty low recently and with the arrival of my parents, and Santa, I've climbed up out of my rut and got on with it.  

My weight loss has been slow, in fact last week I only lost 700 grams and this week 1.2kgs.  But I'm not fazed, I have been in the past but not now.  I know I'm going to have slow weeks, I just have to breathe thru Monday mornings because that's weigh day.  My surgeon says I should see around a kilo loss a week so going by that I'm in the zone.  

I'm actually feeling smaller.  My SIL pointed out the other day that I was totally curled up on the couch with my feet tucked up under me and I was comfy, I didn't even realise it.  My t'shirts are looser, my pants are swaying around my knees and my chins are getting close to being singular.  Fuck that'll be a big day, only 1 chin.  I'm also finding that I'm moving so much faster, I feel so much lighter on my feet.  I can push that pram with 2 kids, and keep up with the best of them!

So for all of you wanting a photo update, hold on, here we go ...

Date - Monday October 9th 2011

148.6kgs

Date - Monday 19th December 2011

125.7kgs

Total weight loss in 10 weeks - 22.9kgs :-)

Squeezes

MrsK x

Angry

I shouldn't really write posts when I'm pissed off.  It doesn't help at all and I'll probably offend someone.

I'm sick and tired of pretty much everything.

My 2 yr old pushing her brother over, sitting on him and belting him with a spade, I'm sick of the fucking dog barking at nothing and waking the entire household.  I'm sick of fighting with DH, of not eating properly, of not being able to take a big swig on a drink.  I'm sick of being exhausted, of yelling of being pinched, hit and ignored, I'm sick and tired of being told to eat more, to have breakfast, to keep drinking water.  I'm sick and tired of emptying the dishwasher of doing laundry of folding it and putting the shit away.  I'm sick and tired of crying, of listening to crying, and getting up 5 times a night.  I'm sick of cleaning up the toys, of having food stuck to me and having to repeat myself over and over and the Christmas tree STILL gets played with.

I'm up, I'm down, I'm all over the fucking place.  The frown line between my eyes is getting deeper, if that's at all possible.

Not sure anyone wants a squeeze right now
MrsK

Warning : This post contains bodily functions. Viewer discretion is advised

Let's start with the good news shall we?  This morning I clambered on the scales and in 7 weeks I've lost 19.7kgs and since surgery 3 weeks ago, I've lost 10.7kgs.  Round of applause please, and thank you.  I am officially the weight I was when we left Australia to travel home for our wedding in April last year,  *insert chuffed as look*  These numbers have been such a huge goal for me and to get here so soon, it's pretty overwhelming.  This is the lightest I've weighed in oh, say, 13 years and I'm pretty fucking stoked with myself.  Any weight loss from here on in will blow my mind.  Bring on the next goal ...

I have been struggling with my food tho.  I've been on baby food consistency since Wednesday last week and only last nite I cooked something I liked and it didn't make me feel wrong afterwards.  Chicken, mushroom and broccoli with Bearnaise sauce YUM!!  I only had about 2 tablespoons worth and I felt full and satisfied.  Guess what I'm having for dinner tonight?

Ok so I know you've been waiting for the bodily function part, so here goes.  With so little food going in, pooing is a 3 or 4 day event.  And when it does happen I get major stomach cramps and I spew.  I have no idea why but it's quite distressing because it fucking hurts.  Not the spew part but the gut pain part.  You know when you get the shits and your stomach goes in knots and you spend 30 minutes on the toilet just waiting for the next attack?  Well that's what it's like.  I dread having to do a poo!!  Something for my surgeon to answer at my follow up appt on Wednesday.  He'd better have an answer and not, 'this phase will pass, it'll get better'.

Yeah so Wednesday is my follow up appt with my surgeon.  I'm looking forward to getting on his scales and saying, 'Good job Doc, you're worth every cent, now sort my shit out.  Literally'.

Squeezes
MrsK x